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October 6, 2018

And just what will the day bring?

True love or another failure?

She’ll be nothing to me soon,

Years have built up to today,

I could have been spared a horror,

There was great tension in the air

For nigh on an annum. I was doomed,

I saw no way out, though there were many,

I never left through the back door,

I prayed she wouldn’t stir each morning,

Endless gifts, meant as apologies,

I was never forgiven. She had the high ground,

Morally she felt that she was always right,

Endless suspicion. No more confidence,

Paranoia …. oh, the lies she told ….

She’d get caught up in her lies,

She wouldn’t know where to go.


‘Come and meet me for a drink’,

No. Go alone. I don’t care,

She ran down the stairs behind me,

She knew I’d speak of her,

I wished to speak of her,

A moment of peace; all I desired,

But peace I’d never have,

Not until the grave, an early grave.


I warned you from the start!

And how could I have responded?

It was an impossibility, a nonsense,

I’d never been …. I’d wished to go ….

If only I’d made the trip ….

All could have been averted,

I could have had those months back,

I wouldn’t be in a predicament now.


I’ll be poor from now on, I know,

I’ll still buy drinks for the ladies,

Ever the ladies’ man …. not at all,

But destiny’s now calling to me,

I’m a bundle of nerves; I’ve much to do,

Will I make it on time? I’ve got to,

I’ll be stressed and sweating from running.


What will we speak of? All and nothing,

A thousand and one things …. my week,

All was happening this week,

My happy home was turned upside down,

‘Shall we do some cleaning for you?’

No. You can leave now and never return,

Finally, I was strong: I said no,

For you lied on the phone …. you know you lied,

And now you call me. What? You’re unhappy?

I could have said much more,

I saved your skin …. maybe not.


We know where you live,

Is this a threat? I’ve no fear,

What? Your invitation’s no longer valid?

Or were you reminding me?

I’ll come if there’s cash on the table,

You pocketed plenty. I said no ….

From the start, I said no,

You did as you wished. Now there are holes,

Useless holes, in walls, etcetera,

They let in cold air. I freeze,

I cover up the condemned socket,

I can’t afford to err: it’s a fire danger,

I can no longer reach the other,

Maybe I’ll forget. In years, I’ll forget.


I’m only down a few thousand,

Get a second quote, fool …. I know now,

Don’t play the nice guy, not now,

No: I know. Now, there’s only spite,

I’ve only wronged myself. I dream of the gutter,

I picture you in it, starving,

I’ll soon see you begging: you’ll remember,

I’ll smile with recognition. I’ll be in peace.


What? I woke you? I did as you asked,

And I’m still not your first port of call,

It’s outrageous. I’ve given my life away,

My life’s no longer of importance,

If I’d worried I’d have gone the suicide way,

I chose to smile away. I don’t think,

It’s done now …. no doubt a poor excuse for work,

Now I suffer for it …. you just missed me ….


It’s all over for me early in the evening,

I take no more calls. To bed I go,

‘It’s a shame’ …. it’s not at all a shame,

What an imbecile. We want less, not more,

And he’s been sterilised: he’s good for nothing,

In your mind, he’s good for nothing,

Abandoned children. You’d not adopt a sole,

A soul …. yet it’s you who spoke up!

You spoke out of turn. Does he bite?

What will you do if I say yes?

You’ll leave. You’ll go running,

You’ll leave me in the lurch,

You left me in the lurch eternally ….

It may as well have been eternity,

Eternal paradise: here, I find myself.


We’re all in this together, don’t you see?

You leave me cold, sweating, stinking,

I check that all’s good. I double check,

In double time. I’ll do as I must ….

I think I’ll give it a few days,

I need a rag; a clean and washed rag,

There’s no more water in the bucket,

Where are the soaking linens?

In the shower, of course. Go out now ….


I can’t get into my own home,

The door’s locked. The key is useless,

They hear me calling, knocking,

I hear them laughing. It’s all a joke,

I left him in your care. I risked it all,

He remained hidden, ever wisely,

Don’t count out your pennies just yet,

You’ll get your hourly wage, nothing more,

You’ll see that I was never an easy beat,

Stop to smoke. Stop to call home,

I see your wedding band …. poor wife,

‘Are you married?’ Yes: just look at my existence,

How I live. It’s finished now. That’s all, with them.


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