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December 4, 2018

The stench of failure,

I remember ten hours,

I spent the time beside you,

We wandered all around,

We sat and drank. We talked,

Come morning I saw your home,

A houseboat out of the way,

We stopped in at a hotel,

It could have been love, denied,

I’d never see you again,

I saw you under duress,

I was uncomfortable, ashamed.


The night of majesty’s gone,

You’re back home. You’ve forgotten,

You were typical of young girls,

We set out for the west at dawn,

I bought you a drink in the centre.


You were never to be free,

There was no negotiation

So I set out alone. I saw him,

Your love. He was arrogant,

He was vain. He died without you,

I told you all about it,

I broke your heart in two.


I’d have never known, true,

If not for you I’d have died,

I’d have been in peace, asleep,

Painful months were to come,

I was ignored. You were nobody,

Time with children and wine,

You were better than this,

You were exactly this.


You were too pale to hold,

You were thin and tall,

Your dimple was unattractive.


Where are you now? Across the sea,

I don’t see you anymore,

I rolled my eyes daily,

He spoke to you, unfortunately,

You were among tourists, swine,

Why was I invited here?

You knew that it was a hell,

In my mind it was death.


I stared down a barrel. Adieu,

Anti-rape slogans in town,

In university women’s rooms,

Your hometown is far out,

You were right to return,

You’re stronger than me,

All I have is regret,

And I’ll never leave this place,

It’s sacred, blessed and wrong.


You ought to have looked my way,

You could have walked straight in,

I’ll never step out of this place,

You were fortunate that it was me,

I remember the darkness,

It was night. You were lost.


You drank from the bottom,

The barrel was sucked dry,

I went to bed. They were ready,

I regret my life, my birth,

He sounds similar, the same,

I recall afternoons, bedrooms,

There was music about.


I sat out on the deck,

I roasted nicely, overcast skies,

He delivers mail like a fool,

Like my enemy. He did no wrong,

You would have been mine,

For years you were so fine,

I never paid attention,

You were before me, lisping,

This is just her precious voice,

She was engaged. She’s married.


I need to free myself from this,

Days blend into one here,

It’s now been years. He’s lost,

He’s absent. He’s down south,

He forsook the north, the sanctuary,

There was a dinner, a lovely bride,

They seemed eternal. It’s done.


It hurts me. They’re no more,

Hummingbirds chime in vain,

Your blue eyes. You’re startling,

I pray for the end of time,

The sun doesn’t rise in dreams,

I think of centuries to come,

You’ll still be there, in my mind,

My conscience will never be clear.


If I’d just remained sober,

How would life have differed?

I’d have never met her,

My sole true friend in chains,

She broke out of her cage,

It sounds good. It’s anything but.


Early morning, sleep deprived,

Antidepressant, euphoria,

Three deep voices sing,

They’re off key till the end,

This all seemed right,

For an instant this was paradise.


Where is my heaven now?

For how long can this continue?

I lie to myself forever,

I can’t stand my thoughts,

My regrets are unbearable,

I couldn’t say where I belong,

I’m stuck. I’m away from peace,

It’s all false and fraudulent,

It didn’t spell the end for him,

I respect him for what he became,

He found her on the street,

She was cold and wet, shivering.


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